Seeking partners in Islam

Seeking partners should be for marriage only

Relationships can and must only exist in the context of marriage; therefore the issue for me is ascertaining the right and wrong way to go about seeking a marriage partner. Any ‘partner’ gained with no intention of marrying them, for the sake of a casual relationship and ‘for fun’ is unacceptable as it inevitably becomes damaging.

As with many things in Islam, if the correct boundaries are defined and respected, there can be flexibility and choice within seeking partners and it need not become restrictive and prescribed purely by parents upon children. The following is an exploration of recommended and ‘best practice’ methods which many currently observe.

When seeking a marriage partner meeting people with the consent of their
families/guardians/etc - in PUBLIC places only and on the condition that
correct adab (etiquette) is observed is diligent. We have seen the effects of the sexual
laws of attraction, which is why having chaperones is advisable. It is very much the issue of meeting girls/boys outside of the family environment, or rather, without any supervision, which proves a sticking point.

It is also lawful to see a potential partner and meet them formally in the presence of family members in order to avoid any situations that may otherwise lead into indecent behaviour between them, or that which may de-sanctify the union of marriage.

 

It is something which needs to be treated seriously and considered by the whole family

The choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions a person will make in his or her lifetime. It therefore should not be left to chance or the hormones. It should be taken as seriously as any other major decision in life - with prayer, careful investigation/consideration, and family involvement. Relationships started outside of Islam lack this – and thus build on their problematic nature.

The type of focused courtship advocated above helps ensure the strength of the marriage, by drawing upon family elders' wisdom and guidance, ensuring that the choice is involves a careful, objective evaluation of the compatibility of the couple.

Exploring what the Quran says

’Love’ has a different meaning in Islam, thus should be treated as differently to that which is practised by non-Muslims

The Qur’an has described the etiquette of social conduct between opposite sexes governed by a union only in the bonds of marriage (versus couples that choose to remain unmarried), and one which stipulates that both the man and the woman have mutual Love (muwaddat) for one another, that both protect each others best interests and that together they should help to live better lives together.

Exploring the definition of Love[5] is important here. Muwaddat is the closest Arabic word to this, taken to mean attachment, affection and friendship towards someone or even something. Looking at its use and context in the verses below enforces that it is a balanced, sober union with meaning and beneficial long term purpose:

(30:21) And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put affection/attachment and compassion/mercy between you; verily, in that are Signs for those who reflect.

(7:189) It is He who created you from a single person and made his mate [i.e. complementary opposite] of like nature in order that he might dwell with her (in a state of calm).

Looking at the same meaning for the word ‘Love’ in the Oxford minidictionary[6], the extreme differences of opinion become evident: “warm liking or affection; sexual passion;…In Love: feeling (esp. sexual) love for another person”.

So this goes beyond relationships in the ‘responsible affection’ sense to those purely in the ‘passionate/strongly emotional’ sense, which lends itself towards irrational, self-gratifying behaviour, which is completely harmful and haraam.

Another explanation of how the relationship between men and women should play out, and therefore which shows the contradiction to the ‘relationships’ carried out by non-Muslims, is:

(2:187) [Your wives,] they are your garments. And you [their husbands] are their garments…

This is generally understood to imply the “closeness” of the husband-wife relationship. However, The Qur’an states that the best libaas (garment) is that of TAQWA (7:26), which originally referred to “that which affords preservation of self”.

Furthermore, read in 21:80, an additional meaning to (2:187) which is revealed connected to the idea of ‘provision of protection in a potentially life threatening situation’:

(21:80) And We taught him [i.e. Solomon] the art of making garments (of mail) to protect/fortify you in your daring. Are you then thankful?

This shows the importance of a spouse manifesting such a trait, viz. being “fortified” (muhsana) – which is usually rendered as “chaste”, this is also made explicit in 5:5, along with referring to the harmful behaviours of non-Muslims:

(5:5) This day are (all) good things made lawful for you. The food of those who have received the Scripture is lawful for you, and your food is lawful for them. And so are the fortified women of the believers and the fortified women of those who received the Scripture before you (lawful for you) when ye give them their marriage portions and live with them in honour, not in fornication, nor taking them as secret concubines. Whoso denies the faith, his work is vain and he will be among the losers in the Hereafter.

 

Muslims should guard against conflicts between couples and men and women in general

However, consistent with (2:102), The Qur’an also states that enmity/hostility (‘aduwwat’) between believing men (and, by implication, women) and women (and, by implication, men) is quite possible and something about which to be wary. Here it is worth expounding the commonly held believe by Muslims and non-Muslims about a marriage or relationship being something with which you have to ‘work at’ and invest in. Again, at odds with any temporary and self gratifying union practiced in secular environments:

(64:14-15) O you who believe! Lo! Among your wives and your children there are enemies for you. Therefore, beware of them. And if you efface and overlook and forgive, then lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. Your wealth and your children are only a temptation, whereas Allah! With Him is an immense reward.

Nonetheless, the actual source of hostility, and the one with whom believers - men and women alike - should maintain a condition of hostility is ash-shayth’aan, that is, the personality type that is alienated from God/Allah (swt), and, alienates others from God/Allah (swt). As The Qur’an clearly states:

(35:6) Verily Satan is an enemy to you: so treat him as an enemy. He only invites his adherents that they may become Companions of the Blazing Fire.

It follows from this, therefore, that believing men and women should:

 

• Unite on the basis of a shared transcendental objective, that is, Al-Islam or comprehensive self-surrender to God/Allah (swt);
• Reconcile themselves to each other, especially as a married couple; and
• Maintain a mutually defensive position in relation to ongoing threats posed by their real enemy – The Satanic Personality, which will manifest itself in temptations to commit harm to the relationship or any other general transgression whilst within marriage or as a ‘believer’ (i.e. adultery).

Moreover, guidelines such as this are laid down so men and women DO NOT view each other as objects of any form of sexual or other mere pleasure, and in order to purify their intentions towards the opposite sex. Moreover, man and women are together for a reason and this transcends way beyond the physical aspect.

Furthermore, Allah (swt) says in 2:208: "O ye who believe! Enter into Islam whole-heartedly; and follow not the footsteps of the evil one; for he is to you an avowed enemy." 

So here it emphasises the hypocrisy of so called Muslims to engage in this behaviour whilst seemingly adhering to other aspects of the faith. You cannot be a ‘Muslim’ (i.e. one who is in active submission to Allah – through obeying the laws laid out in the Qur’an) and follow only selected parts of that faith. Either 100% of Islam is to be strived for or else none of it at all.

 

Islamic matrimonial methods

 

Islamic matrimonies work better by negating the dishonesty, risk and dangers of the boy/girl relationship

There is a lot more that is to be judged when getting married. For instance, the most important criterion would be the religious orientation and piety of the prospective partner. On top of that, many people look for additional, secondary, things including beauty, financial situation or status of the family. In order to find a partner with these qualities, one does not necessarily need to meet in private. Having geared the intention of meetings with prospective partners around ascertaining if a life time commitment together will be successful, the conversations and observations undergone in these situations will be enough to find out about WHO the person is and within THEIR own environment.

This way, the most important predicators to how good a partner that person can be will be evident and once they become known and liked by the other person, all other factors become irrelevant and will ensure lead these to a successful and very happy marriage.

Finding out about likes, dislikes, relationships within families, the families themselves and personality can all be done as effectively here as in private meetings, but moreover with more honesty too. On the other hand, wanting to find out how they dance, seeing a movie with them or needing to have a private dinner with them will NOT make a difference to this. 

 

The proven ingredients of a successful relationship are paid attention to

 

Islam teaches us that a male and female can build up a good relationship founded on marriage. Stories in the media and in movies are not helpful to make a person comply with the teachings of Islam, but are instead helpful in making people desire apparent fairytale relationships, which in reality prove to be anything but (i.e.‘Hollywood break ups’). In short they believe the false hype surrounding them.

 

It has also been proven that, (and many Muslims and non-Muslims alike can testify to this), Marriages that are usually good and lasting are those that start at the least affection. That affection grows after marriage and maybe it will grow until the couples continue their companionship in the hereafter. This adds an important dimension – relationships should not be as fleeting as other things in this ‘earthly’ life. This is no way suggests marrying people you do not know or do not feel an affection for. As expressed above, once the most important factors of someone’s character are known this provides the basis for progressing onto a solid and happy  union.

 

Arranged marriages are still regarded as more successful than conventional marriages, and part of the reason for this is because of the ensuring of common ideals between partners. More importantly, it is because of the concentration on bringing up a strong family after marriage, based on the commitment and affection built up between the couple themselves. In short, these types of couples have the most important priorities and values agreed upon.

 

Any such marriage will maximise these benefits, as opposed to other forms of marriage where the couples persist with self indulgence (i.e. its about the couple first, and the family afterwards), do not focus as much on bringing up children in the same way and who ultimately jeopardise their future happiness and also the contribution a couple could make to society through: sending the wrong examples to children, not focusing them towards common goals, and ultimately a couples offspring end up carrying out the flaws and deficits influenced by the non stable marriages and incorrect attitudes of their parents. In other words, a couple’s success in marriage will be seen by looking at the (immaterial) success of the children they have raised, to see how well rounded they become and the quality of life they themselves can provide for future generations.

 

Conclusion

 

From this we can see that the Boyfriend/Girlfriend culture – that is, the premarital and explicit relations that exist between Men and Women from youth to adulthood - does not exist within the bounds of Islam, and goes against the more wholesome and pure attachments between Men and Women which is advocated for mature and responsible believers, and for which a distinct purpose is meant - ultimately leading to the most successful relations between the sexes.

 

Anyone engaging in these types of non-Islamic activities will inevitably find themselves following the whims of an immoral and imbalanced society which perpetuates such behaviour to the detriment of its people and risks to society. The consequences of such actions are evident: engraining conflict between men and women, the break up of families and family relations and tearing the fabric of a healthy society through the pursuit of their own lusts, passions, and fornications. It is evident that crime, prejudice and disharmony in society are fuelled by these actions.

 

Instead, men and women seeking partners should seek a long term commitment in the form of marriage, and with partners that share their beliefs, so that both will enhance each others lives through striving in the way of Islam. They should do so with the correct, focused intentions and with modesty, but not for mere ‘fun’, their own desires or under the misguidance that dating or other such activities are acceptable. In turn, this more harmonious relationship will in turn be the most stable, happy and have the most benefit to all involved both now and in the future.

References

1.        Teen Media Study – Explicit Content Media Diet

http://www.unc.edu/depts/jomc/teenmedia/pdf/key_findings_from_the_teen_media_study.doc

2.       The Holy Qur’an (See:) http://www.openburhan.com

3.       Based on research by S. M . Ali: Battle of the Sexes

 

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[1] The Western world frequently describes itself, through its own media, as ‘civilised’ society. However this goes against the behaviour of that society in reality around us.